apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
