He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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