i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
