I puked a lego.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
