Hey man sorry I got all grabby
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
