in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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