My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
