I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
