I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
