my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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