I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
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Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
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I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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