I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
