Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
