he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
