She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
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Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
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Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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