My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
