I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
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Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
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I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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