I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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