Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
