last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
