Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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