I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
