Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you traded sex for a burrito?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
