I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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