my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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