oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
