Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
