you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
