If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
