Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just cropdusted the office
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
