Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
porn star boner night. come get it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Use "feeling words"
Yay
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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