she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
