you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
