If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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