Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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