This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
