He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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