Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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