Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
