Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
