There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!