I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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