I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
