I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
