Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
