I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
