finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
