Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
