I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
