nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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