I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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