I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
