I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
