I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
