i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
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we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
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If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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