I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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